I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. I should mention that we both agreed it was for the best. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. You have to be careful. A voice can calm us down and we can catch so much more meaning when listening to anothers inflection, tone, rate of speech that texts will never allow even with the latest set of emojis! If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. Listen, the messages are very casual and kind of nice but I really don't feel like I have anything in common with this person, it would never occur to me to message him. He's not doing well mentally. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. This helps us in two different ways. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. And think of yourself first. Do not use it as an opportunity to continue the mud-slinging. Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. Long time. Politely rejecting his invitation to meet up was mature and respectful to all parties involved. We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? In such cases, the steps to ensure closure need to come from within. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. This is particularly common with exes who feel stifled in the relationship, and as though they were missing out on something else by being with you. hat would hurt him? So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. ), I reached out 1-2 weeks ago (2-years later), got no response. Its much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace. We are on opposite sides of the Country now which makes it hard, but not impossible. If your ex contacted you during no contact years after the breakup, you have an important decision to make. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. Youll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees. Our same chemistry was there, and I still found him lovable and attractive. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. A year and a half is a long time to not speak to an ex. $1000 is a lot of money, so you should try to peacefully get it back. I think youre right. So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally. TBO we didnt really even say good-bye was no real closure. I got a message on Linkedin today andI'm so confused (the message said I came up in their feed I don't even know how that's possible we live in opposite side of the world, work in different industries and don't share contacts)? hings in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. My ex contacted me after 2 years and I couldnt help but immediately respond to ask her what she wanted. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. Related Reading: 9 Reasons Ignoring Your Ex Is Powerful, Derek, this guy who lives in my building, often shares his life stories with me as we cross paths in the hall. I once reached out though, in a moment of guilt and stress, to an ex in attempt to apologize for everything that happened (at that time 4yrs in the past. Do exes come back after leaving for someone else? Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). It was interesting seeing him again. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. Sure. However, before taking any action, you should listen to what theyve got to say, get some advice, and dont respond. If you have seen this behavior before from your ex, dont dive in headfirst. But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean that it will happen on your terms. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. We do not have a friendship, and never had one outside of our relationship. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. If you stay in no contact (and you should), youll recover in a matter of days (most likely). Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. It's a long story. And also, if youre looking for 1-on-1 help with your ex, check out our coaching page. Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. But they do that only if they still have some respect for their ex, if they see that their ex has grown significantly in their absence, or if they get hurt. I'll just say I've never seen it work out super well in real life (or, it's worked out but in a way where the ex wasn't actually needed for closure). This reminds us that whatever the threat is that were facing, it can be overcome. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. It's always best to think your course of action through first, and that includes whether you want to even respond. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. Jaseena tells us how to put a lid on overthinking. Thanks once again. We dated about 8 years ago and he reached out around the 5 year mark. They could have seen something on social media and became unable to stop thinking about you. For all you know, theyre just asking for their hoodie back. However, if youre thinking about getting back with your ex, you must decide wisely. I understand someone might just want a quick chat. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. Your Brain's Response to Your Ex, According to Neuroscience Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants. That's actually something I thought of doing. I think you did the right thing. My ex contacted me after 18 months of no contact during lockdown. Wont hurt to text them back if alls forgiven and forgotten. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. Three words: Manage your expectations. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. This is a possibility if you ended the relationship on good terms. And I think it's natural for some people to want to. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? :). Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. So they pick up the phone, dial your number, and hope youre just as lonely as them and willing to have a conversation. He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. . When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. Some dumpers break up with their partners, enjoy their lives, date other people for a while, and then realize they arent happy. Thank you for your article very insightful. It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. We shared that we'd both stayed hung up on each for years after the break up. The important thing to remember is to be honest. 7 Common Reasons An Ex Tries To Get Back In Your Life But some people are lucky enough to meet that one person who accepts everything about them. After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. They're angry with you. I reached out to let him know, and asked if he'd like to meet up in person for a bit, that I wanted to see him and also apologize for how things had gone down. A closure response. He got married but still contacted me for some reason. Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. Closure is not something you can give someone or receive from someone. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. But that doesnt mean the deeper connection between them would disappear just like that. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. Or maybe you both ended things mutually and somehow stayed out of touch for years. Until that happens, you dont do anything. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. He didn't know where I moved to. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. I think I'm willing to give it a second try.". Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. I am still not sure if its a good idea. Due to pride, they dont get back together immediately, get on with their lives, and date other people. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. Theyre not quite sure what, but that phone call,text message, or email is met with suspicion, and rightly so. His or her inquiries, requests, or demands, as well as the approach and attitude your ex chooses will soon reveal why your ex contacted you after so many years. Hi Zan, When we experience a sense of danger or face threats, most of us immediately are driven to seek out our support network members. Perhaps you thought youd completely moved on, but their message reminds you of all the good times that you didnt even know you had buried away. He or she can take their pain and sorrow away and give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. Your ex might be a changed person more decency, less infidelity. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. Tell him, "thanks for calling, hope he is having a good life". Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University. You're Finally Over Your Ex (then they reach out) @Susan Winter Instant replies hint at either interest or an unfulfilling life and even if both might be true, dont let your ex pick up on that. A sapiosexual, pizza-loving cinephile. An immediate response is never a good idea. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. But if youre reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. I'll respond when she texts but it's usually something really superficial and she doesn't make an effort to continue a conversation anymore. They could, and that one little text has the power to turn your life upside down. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. I didnt reply. I suggest you contact your ex or have someone contact him for you. You gave her a chance and she blew it. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. Anyways, the first time we broke up (friendship) was 2017. If you're in the midst of a no contact rule, which includes time frames of 21 days, 30 days, and 45 days, you may be sitting and thinking that you should respond back to your ex. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because shes back in my life and in my mind. Different people have different norms around contact and friendship over time and after a relationship ends. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. Ex messaged me after a year and a half : r/ExNoContact - Reddit It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. He tried to hint that he was looking for an affair and then I blocked him. Learn how your comment data is processed. Dont reconnect expecting the relationship to start back up at the depth it existed years ago. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. Anger is an emotion that people are often uncomfortable with. And some friendships just arent built to handle the transitions and changes that we go through in life as we grow and develop. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. AM, has an ex ever reached out to you years later? How did the - Reddit My ex messaged me after a year. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. What to Do When an Ex Reaches Out to You - Insider I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. The moment you hear from your ex, you probably wont know what your ex wants from you. 1. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. Why do exes reach out after months of silence? (10 reasons) The SPIVA scorecard, which allows investors to compare the performance of actively managed funds to that of passive funds in the same category, tells a chilling story. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife?